Re: Authentic Happiness

Excuse me if I sound like a proselytizer, but I just finished Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman for tonight's book club meeting.

I first learned about this book and Positive Psychology at my 25th college reunion in June, and was intrigued by the idea of better health through being happy. (Caroline Adams Miller, one of the first coaches in the world to gain the Masters in Applied Positive Psychology credential from the University of Pennsylvania, spoke of the importance of happiness.)

Of course some of you may remember that even a couple of years ago I was encouraging people to laugh loud and hard (even fake laughs) to improve health.

So I was excited to read this book on Authentic Happiness.  It has some interesting ideas, but also lots of chaff to pad out the 260 pages of text.
Rather than encourage you to read the book, I am attaching my notes from the book that extract what I thought were the most salient points.

• I especially direct Bob to read the section "why are lawyers so unhappy?"
• I thought Paul would be interested in the section "NonZero by Robert Wright."  I summarized Seligman's summary of Wright's book.
• Martin also had advice about raising children, but I didn't take many notes since ours are all teens now.  If interested, see the book pages 208 to 246.
• Some of you may be amused or insulted by "Seligman's reconciliation of theology and science."

As for me, I am going to try to incorporate several suggestions from the Authentic Happiness:

• practice gratitude and forgiveness
• emphasize the use of my personal strengths at work and at home
• admire the personal strengths of my loved ones
• practice "Responsive and Attentive Listening" and break my habit of "talk and wait"

My goal for now is to move from a "pleasant life" to a "good life."  Later I may work on a "meaningful life" which would give me the "full life" trifecta.

Don't worry.  Be Happy!
Phillip

 

Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman

Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fullfillment

 

Preview the book in online at Google Books

Authentic Happiness web site: AuthenticHappiness.com

 

p 50 – happiness quiz – correct answer (my guess)

1. % Americans clinically depressed? –8-18% (15%)
2. % life satisfaction above neutral? –83% (50%)
3. %mental patients positive emotional balance? –57% (20%)
4. reports negative emotional balance:
• poor African-americans – no (yes)
• unemployed men – no (yes)
• elderly people – no (no)
• severely multiply handicapped people – no (yes)

 

p 74 – gratitude exercises

1)      Select one important person from your past who has made a major positive difference in your life and to whom you have never fully expressed your thanks.  Write a testimonial just long enough to cover one laminated page.  Take your time composing this (e.g., weeks).  Invite that person to your home, or travel to that person's home.  It is important you do this face to face, not just in writing or on the phone.  Do not tell the person the purpose of the visit in advance; a simple "I just want to see you" will suffice.   Bring a laminated version of your testimonial with you as a gift.  When all settles down, read your testimonial aloud slowly, with expression and with eye contact.  Then let the other person react unhurriedly.  Reminisce together about the concrete events that make this person so important to you.  (If you are so moved, please do send a copy to Seligman@psych.upenn.edu.)

2)      If you scored in the lower half of either the gratitude or the life satisfaction test, this second exercise is for you.  Set aside five free minutes each niht for the next two weeks, preferably right before bed.  Before the first night take the Satisfaction with Life Scale and the General Happiness Scale.  Then think back over the previous 24 hours and write down, on separate lines, up to five things in your life you are grateful or thankful for.  Repeat the two scales on the final night, wtwo weeks after you start, and compare your scores to the first night's scores.  If this worked for you, incorporate it into your nightly routine.

 

p 117 – flow: building psychological capital

• Given all the benefits and the flow that the gratifications produce, it is very puzzling that we often choose pleasure (and work, displeasure) over gratification.  In the nightly choice between reading a good book and watching a sitcom on television, we often choose the latter—although surveys show again and again that the average mood while watching sitcoms on television is mild depression.  Habitually choosing the easy pleasures over the gratifications may have untoward consequences.

 

p 118 – shortcuts lead to depression

• I have theorized that an ethos that builds unwarranted self-esteem, espouses victimology, and encourages rampant individualism has contributed to the [depression] epidemic, but I will not belabor this speculation here.  There is another factor that looms as a cause of the epidemic: the over-reliance on shortcuts to happiness.  Every wealthy nation creates more and more shortcuts to pleasure: television, drugs, shopping, loveless sex, spectator sports, and chocolate to name just a few.
• The pleasures come easily, and the gratifications (which result from the exercise of personal strengths) are hard-won.  A determination to identify and develop these strengths is therefore the great buffer against depression.

 

p 120 – how to increase pleasures (and positive emotions) in your life

• gratitude, forgiveness, and escaping the tyranny  of determinism to increase positive emotions about the past;
• learning hope and optimism through disputing to increase positive emotions about the future;
• breaking habituation, savoring, and mindfulness to increase the pleasures of the present.

 

When an entire lifetime is taken up in the pursuit of the positive emotions, however, authenticity and meaning are nowhere to be found.

 

p 129 – science should be descriptive, not prescriptive

• being optimistic brings about less depression, better physical health, and higher achievement, at a cost perhaps of less realism.

 

p 133 – six virtues (from across 3000 years and the entire face of the earth)

• wisdom and knowledge
• courage
• love and humanity
• justice
• temperance
• spirituality and transcendence

 

p 134 – talents and strengths

• strengths are moral traits, while talents are nonmoral.
• talents generally are not as buildable as strengths.

 

p 160 – signature strengths (ranked by results of my survey answers)

1. Love of learning - You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.
2. Curiosity and interest in the world - You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.
3. Fairness, equity, and justice - Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.
4. Gratitude - You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.
5. Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness - You are an honest person, not only by speaking the truth but by living your life in a genuine and authentic way. You are down to earth and without pretense; you are a "real" person.
6. Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness - Thinking things through and examining them from all sides are important aspects of who you are. You do not jump to conclusions, and you rely only on solid evidence to make your decisions. You are able to change your mind.
7. Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty - You excel as a member of a group. You are a loyal and dedicated teammate, you always do your share, and you work hard for the success of your group.
8. Industry, diligence, and perseverance - You work hard to finish what you start. No matter the project, you "get it out the door" in timely fashion. You do not get distracted when you work, and you take satisfaction in completing tasks.
9. Bravery and valor - You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.
10. Capacity to love and be loved - You value close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing and caring are reciprocated. The people to whom you feel most close are the same people who feel most close to you.
11. Leadership - You excel at the tasks of leadership: encouraging a group to get things done and preserving harmony within the group by making everyone feel included. You do a good job organizing activities and seeing that they happen.
12. Zest, enthusiasm, and energy - Regardless of what you do, you approach it with excitement and energy. You never do anything halfway or halfheartedly. For you, life is an adventure.
13. Forgiveness and mercy - You forgive those who have done you wrong. You always give people a second chance. Your guiding principle is mercy and not revenge.
14. Caution, prudence, and discretion - You are a careful person, and your choices are consistently prudent ones. You do not say or do things that you might later regret.
15. Humor and playfulness - You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.
16. Appreciation of beauty and excellence - You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.
17. Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness - You expect the best in the future, and you work to achieve it. You believe that the future is something that you can control.
18. Kindness and generosity - You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.
19. Social intelligence - You are aware of the motives and feelings of other people. You know what to do to fit in to different social situations, and you know what to do to put others at ease.
20. Self-control and self-regulation - You self-consciously regulate what you feel and what you do. You are a disciplined person. You are in control of your appetites and your emotions, not vice versa.
21. Perspective (wisdom) - Although you may not think of yourself as wise, your friends hold this view of you. They value your perspective on matters and turn to you for advice. You have a way of looking at the world that makes sense to others and to yourself.
22. Creativity, ingenuity, and originality - Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.
23. Modesty and humility - You do not seek the spotlight, preferring to let your accomplishments speak for themselves. You do not regard yourself as special, and others recognize and value your modesty.
24. Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith - You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

 

p 177 – why are lawyers so unhappy?

Lawyers long ago surpassed doctors as the highest-paid professionals.   In addition to being disenchanted, lawyers are in remarkably poor mental health,… suffering depression at a rate 3.6 times higher than employed persons generally… they are disproportionately unhappy and unhealthy.

Three causes:

1)      Pessimism.  Pessimists do better at law.  In law school, higher grades and law review achievement.  Pessimism=prudence is a plus among lawyers, enabling them to see every conceivable snare and catastrophe that might occur in a transaction.  Unfortunately, a trait that makes you good at your profession does not always make you a happy human being.

2)      Low decision latitude.  A study found high job demands coupled with low decision latitude was particularly inimical to health and morale.  Young lawyers often fall into this quadrant.

3)      win-loss game.  The adversarial process lies at the heart of the American system of law because it is thought to be the royal road to truth, but it does embody the classic win-loss game.  Lawyers are trained to be aggressive, judgmental, intellectual, analytical and emotionally detached.  This produces predictable emotional consequences: he/she will be depressed, anxious, and angry a lot of the time.

 

p 188 – Marriage

• Humans are born big-brained and immature, a state that necessitates a vast amount of learning from parents.  This advantage only works with the addition of pair-bonding.  Immature, dependent offspring who have parents that stick around to protect and mentor them do much better than their cousins whose parents abandon them.  Those of our ancestors, therefore, who were inclined to make a deep commitment to each other were more likely to have viable children and thereby pass on  their genes.  Thus marriage was "invented" by natural selection, not by culture.
• The children of couples who are married and stay married do better by every known criterion than the children of all other arrangements…  Among the most surprising outcomes (beyond better grades and lack of depression) are the findings that the children of stable marriages mature more slowly in sexual terms, they have more positive attitudes to potential mates, and are more interested in long-term relationships than are the children of divorce.

 

p 193 – secure people

• Memories: Secure adults remember their parents as available, as warm, and as affectionate.
• Attitudes: Secure adults have high self-esteem and few self-doubts.  Other people like them, and they regard other people as trustworthy, reliable, good-hearted, and helpful until sad experience proves otherwise.
• Goals: Secure people strive for intimate relations with those they love and try to find a good balance of dependence and independence.
• Managing distress: Secure people admit it when they are upset, and they try to use their distress to achieve constructive ends.

 

p 197 – 5 hours per week to improve your marriage

• Partings. Before these couples say goodbye every morning, they find out one thing that each is going to do that day.  (2 min x 5 days = 10 min)
• Reunions.  At the end of each workday, these couples havae a low-stress reunion conversation.  (20 min x 5 = 1:40)
• Affection.  Touching, grabbing, holding, and kissing—all laced with tenderness and forgiveness. (5m x 7 = :35)
• One weekly date.  Just the two of you in a relaxed atmosphere, updating your love.  (2 hrs once a week)
• Admiration and appreciation.  Every day, genuine affection and appreciation is given at least once.  (5m x 7 = :35)

 

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman and Nan Silver presents a series of exercises for fanning the embers of fondness and admiration for strengths into a steadier glow.

 

p 198 – Your Partner's Strengths

• Choose three of the 24 signature strengths that your partner has.  For each strength write down a recent admirable incident in which s/he displayed this strength.  Let your partner read what you wrote and ask him/her to do the same for you.

• Strength 1:
• Incident:
• Strength 2:
• Incident:
• Strength 3:
• Incident:

 

p 200 – Hold on to your Illusions

• [Romantic illusion is] the discrepancy [in a positive direction] between what your partner believes about your strengths and what your friends believe.
• The bigger the illusion, the happier and more stable the relationship.  Satisfied couples see virtues in their partners that are not seen at all by their closest friends.
• The happiest couples look on the bright side of the relationship, focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses, and believing that bad events that might threaten other couples do not affect them.  Positive illusions are self-fulfilling because the idealized partners actually try to live up to them.  They are a daily buffer against hassles, since partners forgive each other more easily for the wearying transgressions of daily life and use the alchemy of illusions to downplay faults and elevate shortcomings into strengths.
• These happy couples are nimble users of the important "yes, but…" technique [of finding something good in a partner's weakness.]
• Such nimbleness of emotion is related to optimistic explanations in marriage.  Optimistic people make temporary and specific explanations for bad events, and they make permanent and pervasive explanations for good events.

 

p 202 – The upshot of this is straightforward:  Optimism helps marriage.

• When your partner does something that displeases you, try hard to find a credible temporary and local explanation for it.  When your partner does something admirable, amplify it with plausible explanations that are permanent (always) and pervasive (character traits).

 

p 203 – Responsive and Attentive Listening can make a good marriage better

• The overarching principle of good listening is validation.  The speaker first wants to know that he has been understood.  If possible, he additionally wants to know that the listener agrees or is at least sympathetic.  You should go far out of your way to validate what your spouse is saying; the more serious the issue, the clearer your validation must be.  Save disagreeing for when it is your turn to speak.
• External factors (e.g., tv on) should be eliminated.  There are also common internal factors that make you inattentive (e.g., fatigue, thinking about something else, being bored, and preparing your rebuttal).

 

p 204 – speaker-listener ritual

• When you find yourself talking about a hot-button issue, label it:  "This is one of my hot-button issues, so let's use the speaker-listener ritual."  (Only speak when you have the talking stick.)  Talk about your own thoughts and feelings, not about your interpretation of perception of what your partner is thinking and feeling.  Use "I" as much as possible, rather than "you."  Stop often and let the listener paraphrase.
• When you are the listener, paraphrase what you heard when you are asked to do so.  Don't rebut, and don't offer solutions.  Your job is only to show you understood what you heard.  You will get a chance to rebut when you are handed the [talking stick].

 

p 206 – Two principles for making good love better

• attention and irreplaceability.
• You must not scrimp on the attention you pay to the person you love.  The listening and speaking skills I discussed will help with the quality of attention you pay to each other. 
• By making attention more affectionate, going out of your way to admire the strengths of your mate will also improve the quality of attention. 
• But the quantity is crucial.  I am not a believer in the convenient notion of "quality time" when it comes to love.  Of the people whom we love and who love us, we ask not only how well do they listen, but how often do they listen.  When they allow the pressures of the office, of school, or of the unending panoply of external hassles to intrude on and displace the attention they offer us, love cannot but be diluted.  Irreplaceability is at rock bottom.

 

p 207 – irreplaceability

• Part of what makes us irreplaceable in the eyes of those who love us is the profile of our strengths and the unique ways in which we express them.

 

p 208 – Raising children

Building positive emotion

1. Sleeping with your baby
2. Synchrony Games
3. No and Yes
4. Praise and Punishment
5. Sibling Rivalry
6. Bedtime Nuggets
7. Making a Deal
8. New Year's Resolutions

Building Children's Strengths

• Reward all displays of any of the strengths
• Allow your child to display these burgeoning signature strengths in the course of your normal family activities.

 

p 249 – The Full Life

• The pleasant life is wrapped up in the successful pursuit of the positive feelings, supplemented by the skills of amplifying these emotions.
• The good life is a life wrapped up in successfully using your signature strengths to obtain abundant and authentic gratification.
• The meaningful life has one additional feature: using your signature strengths in the service of something larger than you are.
• To live all three lives is to lead a full life.

 

p 254 – NonZero by Robert Wright

• The secret of life is not DNA, but the nonzero sum game.  A win-loss game is an activity in which the fortunes of the winner and loser are inversely related, and a win-win game has a net result that is positive. The basic principle underlying life itself is the superior reproductive success that favors win-win games.  Biological systems are forced by Darwinian selection into more complexity and more win-win scenarios.
• It is not only biological change that has this direction, but human history itself.  The universal picture of political change over the centuries, all across the world, is from savage to barbarian to civilization.  This is a progression with an increase in win-win situations at its core.  The more positive-sum games in a culture, the more likely it is to survive and flourish.  History is checkered with one horror after another, but the broad movement of human history is in the direction of more win-win.
• We are, at this moment, living through the end of the storm before the calm.  The internet, globalization, and the absence of nuclear war are not happenstance.  They are the almost inevitable products of a species selected for more win-win scenarios.  The species stands at an inflection point after which the human future will be much happier than the human past.

 

p 256 – negative emotions help in win-loss games

• Could it be that negative emotion has evolved to help us in win-loss games?  When we are in a deadly competition, fear and anxiety are our motivators and our guides.  When we are struggling to avoid loss or to repel trespass, sadness and anger are our motivators and guides. 
• When we feel a negative emotion, it is a signal that we are in a win-loss game.  Such emotions set up an action repertoire that fights, flees, or gives up.  These emotions also activate a mindset that is analytical and narrows our focus so nothing but the problem at hand is present.

 

p 257 – positive emotions help in win-win games

• Could it be that positive emotion has evolved to motivate and guide us through win-win games?  When we are in a situation in which everyone might benefit—courting, hunting together, raising children, cooperating, planting seeds, teaching and learning—joy, good cheer, contentment, and happiness motivate us and guide our actions. 
• Positive emotions are part of a sensory system that alerts to us the presence of a potential win-win.  They also set up an action repertoire and a mindset that broadens and builds abiding intellectual and social resources.

 

p 258 – The Last Question by Isaac Asimov

• Q: "Can entropy be reversed?"
• Computer: "Not enough data for a meaningful answer."
• Repeat for trillions of years.
• A: "Let there be light," the computer responds.  And there was light

 

God has four properties in the Judeo-Christian tradition

• omnipotence
• omniscience
• goodness
• the creation of the universe

 

Seligman's reconciliation of theology and science: 

There was no such God, and there is no such God now.  But, again, in the very longest run, where is the principle of win-win headed?  Toward a God who is not supernatural, a God who ultimately acquires omnipotence, omniscience, and goodness through the natural progress of win-win.  Perhaps, just perhaps, God comes at the end.